C-Section Birth Stories: Jess Raze

1. Please share the circumstances that led to your c-section birth(s):

Trigger Warning: traumatic birth; unplanned induction, unplanned epidural, unplanned urgent c-section.

I had planned on having an unmedicated labor and delivery at an amazing stand-alone birth center. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen as I went two weeks past my estimated due date. We scheduled an induction with the hospital where the midwives from the birth center have privileges, so they would still be able to be our providers. I grew to be okay with having an induction since we would still be able to do much of what I had on my birth plan. What ended up happening was a very traumatic birth experience for both my husband, David, and me.

We were being monitored through the two weeks past my due date to make sure everything was alright with the baby. On the actual date I hit 42 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound and found there was no amniotic fluid around baby “G”. So, instead of the original plan of getting a foley bulb put in, going home, and going to the hospital in the morning, we needed to go to the hospital right then to get started on things.

We were still going to do the same induction method, foley bulb at night, Pitocin after, but I had to be continuously monitored. The foley was put in around 9 pm and sucked, but it did its job and came out around 11:30 pm when we started Pitocin. My contractions came on pretty quickly and I even started having double contractions. We spent a long time in the tub with David pouring warm water over my belly which gave me a bit of relief. I got out of the tub and tried different positions for pain relief but couldn’t really find much that helped.

David was the perfect support through all of this. I found that clinging to him and him coaching me through contractions was the best help to make it through them. I needed to be vocal and he told me to steer into it, reminding me to keep my pitch low. He paid attention to the monitor to let me know when the peaks were passing. He repeatedly told me how proud he was of me.

After hours of labor, my midwife checked me and found that I hadn’t progressed since getting the foley out. We decided to use some IV pain medication which worked well to give us some rest but only for 30 minutes. I started feeling the contractions even worse after that as we increased the Pitocin. The little bit of rest I got with the fentanyl was so needed and I was incredibly sad for it to be over. By 7:30 am, we checked again and I had only dilated another centimeter, still not even in active labor.

David and I had come up with a safe word for if I wanted an epidural. I felt like a failure for wanting it and asked him if it was okay for me to get it. He said of course, whatever I needed to do. Another contraction hit and I screamed the safe word at him. I still felt like I was giving up on my dream of an unmedicated birth and began to weep. While I was sad and disappointed about getting the epidural, I don’t regret it. I needed rest. David needed rest. And we got it. We both slept for a good amount of time while we let the contractions do their job.

After about 17 hours of labor, I had finally made it to 6 centimeters and into active labor. But it still took so long to get there so I expected us to be there through the night. David and I went back to sleep, but I woke up shortly after. Two nurses and my midwife rushed in and explained that G’s heart rate was decelerating. They quickly rolled me to see if a position change would help. It didn’t, so we tried a few more with no improvement. David woke up to the sound of the nurses urgently calling for the OB team to come to our room for a fetal deceleration.

At this point, I knew I was going to need a c-section and began to cry like I hadn’t before. David tried his best to be next to me, but there were so many people in the room he had trouble getting to me. My midwife helped me get on my hands and knees in a last-ditch effort to get G’s heart rate up, but it did not improve. I was sobbing. My midwife, Carey, told me to look at her and explained what needed to happen. His heart rate had been down for about 10 minutes and I needed to have an emergency c-section. Because it was an emergency, David would not be allowed to be there. This hit me far harder than knowing I needed a c-section. We said “I love you” to each other once more and I was wheeled out of the room, still on hands and knees, to the operating room.

Carey was still able to be with me and was so amazing. She was a great comfort in a terrifying situation. As the team worked to prepare for my surgery, G’s heart rate went back to baseline. The leading OB and Carey explained that because his heart rate went back up, it was no longer an emergency, but a c-section was still recommended since it had dropped for 10 minutes and could again. I consented and asked for David and they said they would get him. I needed him. They began the incision before he got there and I could feel it, but as soon as he sat next to me they went to work again. With c-sections, you can’t feel the sharp pain from them cutting you open, but you can feel all the pressure and movement of them pulling back each layer. It was awful and I cried out like I was contracting. I could also feel the release once they pulled him out and he was born.

They said he was a pink baby, but needed help getting his start to life. The NICU team took him before I could see him. He wasn’t crying and I kept asking Carey if he was okay. After a few minutes, he finally cried. But those first minutes waiting for it were terrible. David was allowed to go see him at that point but my view was blocked. They had given me morphine and a ton of other medications so I was feeling extremely drowsy and nauseous. I couldn’t keep my eyes open or even lift my arms. They asked if I want to do skin-to-skin with him, but I physically couldn’t, which broke my heart. So we had David do it and bring him over to me. I was so disoriented I couldn’t really concentrate on looking at my brand new baby.

They were almost finished stitching me up. I vomited and immediately felt better. Just before they wheeled me to recovery I got to hold him and really look at him for the first time. He was perfect and all the fear I had felt just moments ago disappeared.

I’ve had time to reflect on my birth story and decided to write it all down to not only remember it but to grieve for the birth story I had planned. Absolutely nothing from my plan was able to be executed. I ended up succumbing to the cascade of interventions I was determined to avoid. There was no immediate skin-to-skin, no delayed cord clamping, his vernix was wiped off, David and I weren’t able to be the ones to pull him into the world. I didn’t even get to see him until he was a few minutes old. We made all these plans to give him the best start to life we possibly could, and we didn’t get to do any of it. And that is what I grieve for the most.

There’s also guilt. Guilt for getting induced, but also for not getting induced sooner. It has me wondering whether my need for spontaneous labor and trying to keep things as natural as possible caused what happened. Birth is the most natural process, and I feel like my body works pretty efficiently in most areas, but why not this one?

We are so grateful for our G. So grateful for Carey and the hospital team who gave us enough space to try our best to follow the plan, but intervene when it was needed. We are healing, and each moment we have with our babe is proof of that.

2. What surprised you the most about having a c-section?:

The actual feeling and sensations of being awake during major surgery. The gas pain after. The huge emotional toll.

3. What kind of support do you feel you received (from friends, family, healthcare team) after your c-section(s)?:

I was lucky enough to have an amazing support system through my husband, friends, and family. I also feel privileged to have had a great healthcare team.

4. What’s your #1 piece of advice/encouragement for a new c-section mom?:

Let people help you. Take the simethicone. You brought them into the world one way or another. You are strong because of it.

If it was traumatic, get therapy to help process it. You have to take care of yourself too.

5. How do you believe having a c-section birth(s) made you stronger?:

It was the most challenging thing I’ve ever been through mentally, physically, and emotionally. And I’m a former competitive powerlifter! I’m still dealing with the trauma, but I know I made the decision to push aside my desires for a vaginal delivery to make sure my precious babe made it here safely.

Name: Jess Raze, Project Coordinator

Country of Residence: USA

Instagram Username: @jess.the.raze

Photography by https://www.instagram.com/lalanisalestephotography/